help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
