12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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