I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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