We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
