just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
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We were destined to go to rehab together
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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