Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
