Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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