Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
