I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
