You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You peed on a flamingo?!?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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