Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
