conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
