My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
