Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
