Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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