please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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