the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
