i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
