i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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