My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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