if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
