They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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