i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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