Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
