Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
