I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
How's work?
Spinning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
