It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
