I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor