She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
