I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
