Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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