my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
