it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
