would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
