The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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