First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
