Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
