you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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