So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
