I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
