Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
