if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
