I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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