my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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