It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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