Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
