Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
