I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
