Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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