i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
