Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
