I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
