made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
