Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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