I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I came so hard my ears popped.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
