i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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